


Benevolence

by TheJediCat



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Caring Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s02e07 The Witchfinder, Scared Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28693059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheJediCat/pseuds/TheJediCat
Summary: Merlin's been managing. Just managing. He's been shoving aside his emotions regarding the debacle with Aredian but when it's over, it all catches up with him a bit too fast and he can't quite cope. That is, until Arthur shows up and helps.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 223





	Benevolence

Merlin sobbed. For so long he'd put his feelings at bay, shoved them down with all his might and gotten on with things. Tried to keep his head down, tried to save Gaius and just stay alive. The resulting numbness had allowed him to keep going, had allowed him to convince not only Arthur but also himself that he was okay, that he was managing. It had been so necessary.

And so exhausting.

Now it was over. Gaius was safe. Morgana was safe. He was safe. Aredian was gone. Dead.

Dead.

Now it was over and he could actually process what had happened. He could process how close he'd been to losing Gaius; process how close he had come to being on that pyre. He could process his fear and anger and confusion and why was no one doing anything? Why were they all just stood there in silence? In Merlin's eyes, they were just as guilty as Uther and Aredian. If Gaius had died, his blood would have fallen on their hands too. As well as Merlin's.

It was all his fault. He'd been stupid to use his magic like that. Gaius had suffered because of it. Gaius had nearly died because of it. 

If Gaius had died, it would be Merlin's fault. If Gaius had died, Merlin would never forgive himself. But Gaius hadn't died; he was resting in their chambers, far from the pyre; he was safe and would remain so. But if Arthur hadn't stopped the execution, if they hadn't found proof, if Arthur hadn't spoken up, then Gaius would have burned. 

And if Gaius had died, Merlin couldn't forgive himself. If Gaius had burned, Merlin couldn't move on. If Gaius had died, he would be gone. If Gaius was gone... If Gaius was... If Gaius,.. if.... If, if ,if, if, if...

Suddenly, his chest was tighter and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't hear, couldn't feel, couldn't see past his tears, he couldn't, he couldn't. He couldn't!

So Merlin sobbed and sobbed harder. He tried to process it, process all the suffering and hardships of the past few days. He told himself and told himself again that it was over. And it was overwhelming.

Merlin sobbed and sobbed harder. He struggled to breathe through the tightness in his chest; he struggled to remind himself that everything was ok now; Merlin struggled through the trauma of the past few days, hitting him all at once as he finally allowed himself to feel. Merlin struggled.

Then the door opened and Arthur walked into his chambers. He saw Merlin, collapsed on the floor next to the boots he'd been halfway through polishing, sobbing and struggling to breathe. To Merlin's surprise, Arthur didn't shout or yell or send him to the stocks. Arthur walked over to Merlin and knelt down beside him. 

Arthur held Merlin.

Arthur held Merlin as he sobbed and sobbed harder. Arthur held Merlin as he struggled to breathe, as he struggled to think, as he struggled. Arthur held Merlin as he finally allowed himself to feel for the first time in days, as wave after wave of anger and fear and confusion dragged him under and threatened to drown him. Arthur held Merlin through it all.

And he didn't let go.

"Sshh, Merlin, it's over, you're safe, Gaius is safe" somehow it was more believable from Arthur's lips than his own head and somehow his chest felt looser. "Can you try and breathe a bit slower, for me? Just a bit? It's alright if you can't at first, I'm only asking you to try" Merlin could try anything Arthur asked of him. 

Arthur didn't have to sit with Merlin as he sobbed into his shoulder, but he did. Arthur didn't have to gently card his hands through Merlin's hair or attempt to soothe and comfort him in any other way, but he did. He did. And Merlin thanked every and any higher power that he knew of that Arthur did.

"That's it Merlin, nice and slow. Big, slow, deep breaths. You're doing really well." It was easier, now, to breathe. Once again, Arthur's instruction proved more effective than his own brain. He tried to focus on that, just breathing in and out. 

Merlin calmed slowly and Arthur held him through it. Arthur didn't let go when Merlin's breathing finally evened out. He didn't let go when Merlin stopped sobbing. He didn't stop gently carding his fingers through Merlin's hair as Merlin slowly quietened. 

He didn't let go as Merlin slumped boneless against him, exhausted. He didn't let go as he gently removed Merlin's neckerchief and boots. He didn't let go as they lay down in bed and slowly drifted into the world of dreams. He didn't stop whispering reassurances to Merlin that they were safe until both he and Merlin were doused in sleep.

Arthur held Merlin as they slept. He held him until the sun crept silently over the horizon and through the small gap in the curtains. He held him as morning approached and for once the dawn was benevolent.


End file.
